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Sense of Life

Finding My Way Back to Me
by James Kilbourne

As a Writer-in-Residence, I want to explain my recent disappearance from SOLO of late. Some of my personal struggle might help explain my absence, and also might be of some use to those of you who are going through similar situations. I also offer it to myself as the beginning of self-therapy.

I have been experiencing a very difficult break-up from my partner in life for reasons that do not apply here, and so from which I can mercifully spare you. For several weeks I wrestled with conclusions I had held for years and decided that they were based on a faulty assessment of the facts. And then about a week ago, a bare hand reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. It is some consolation that I now recognize that hand as my own.

I have very few answers as to how I will live in the future. However, I am now beginning to see the questions that need to be answered, and to once again understand the process I need to follow to find those answers. I also recognize the nature of the only answers that I can accept.

First, let me explain that this is the love of my life about which I am speaking. I have never exposed myself to anyone as I have here. The levels of intimacy and my resultant vulnerability are at heights that I have never achieved in my lifetime. My first understanding is that this intimacy and vulnerability are indeed achievements, and not flaws. My second understanding is the realization of how self-centered I really am. I don’t give a shit about the world and its problems right now, so politics and discourse have currently disappeared from my world view. Questions about how to win the war in Iraq and what is the best strategy to reform Social Security seem almost quaint to me. I am consumed with questions such as “What errors of judgment allowed me to miss important facts in this relationship?” and “How do you fall out of love?”

I also know that I am not quite ready for normal social intercourse at present. The other day I was at my local Rite Aid, where I had gone to purchase some hair coloring to darken my graying moustache. Overcome by the pathetic nature of this solution to my problems, I saw a woman picking out a shampoo across the isle. She walked right up to the section and grabbed a product without any hesitation. My first thought was to go over to her and fall to my knees weeping, and ask her, “What should I do?” Luckily, I was able to make it home without any incidents. I also find myself tempted, when engaging in small talk with the people one meets in life to interrupt the person I am talking to with something like “Sir, you may notice a gaping hole in my chest and blood splattered all over the ground. I offer this as some explanation as to why I don’t give a flying fuck about this conversation.”

So, what do I know today? Essentially, I know two things: First, I know that I have to find out what is true, not what I want to be true. The second is that that which is true can not leave me with even a trace of pain, fear, or guilt. I am not really worried about the pain and guilt. I won’t have guilt if I am sure that I have accurately assessed the situation with every ounce of focus that I can muster; that I have owned up to my shortcomings and applied justice to my conclusions. It will take a while, but I will do that. The pain will pass. I am already having good hours, if not good days.

It is the fear that concerns me. This will take the most work. I have to be able to open myself up again to intimacy and love. I feel that I am a long way right now from being able to do that.

There is a song by Andrew Lloyd Webber that consumes my thoughts these days. It is “The Heart is Slow to Learn.” Its message is that the singer knew of his love for his sweetheart, but didn’t understand its power until his emotions caught up with his knowledge. The heart is slow to learn. It takes time for emotions to catch up with conclusions, but there can’t be any division between the two if you are to remain healthy. The conclusion of the song is “Until I die there’s only you.” My heart, once again, is slow to learn, but learn it will.
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